The Courage to be Uncomfortable
I’ve spent a lot of time in my life feeling uncomfortable. I’ve also spent a lot of time in my life trying to mitigate that feeling. Am I socializing right? Did I say anything wrong or weird? Do they really like me? Did I disappoint them? Are they mad at me?
Endless questions can come from my various uncomfortable feelings. It’s easy to end up in a cycle of self-doubt and uncertainty. Then comes the compulsions (whether physically or mentally manifested) to try and bring reassurance or comfort. News flash: compulsions make OCD worse over time.
I’ve struggled with OCD and anxiety from a young age, and while I haven’t always known that about myself, as I try to become more comfortable in my middle age it’s pushed me to really confront OCD and everything it touches in my life.
What’s so wrong with being uncomfortable? That’s the main thing I’ve tried to avoid over the years. Wanting to always have the comfort of being the best student, medical patient, daughter, or friend. Wanting reassurance that I’m doing my best in whatever situation or task I’m engaging in.
A huge part of overcoming or lessening OCD is developing a willingness to sit with discomfort. Learning to sit with uncertainty, or not rushing to fix a perceived issue. Whether it’s something that revolves around germs, or something concerning a relationship. The sky is the limit on what OCD can touch in your life.
To be clear, when I talk about sitting with discomfort, I’m not talking about the type of discomfort that could equal being unsafe. None of us should stay in situations where we’re unsafe. No one should sit in the discomfort and harm that comes from being abused or mistreated. If you find yourself in an unsafe or abusive situation, please seek help from trustworthy people and places. I promise the help is out there.
I can say from my own experiences that trying to avoid discomfort has many times caused me to stay in abusive situations longer than I may have otherwise due to that intense desire to keep the peace, be agreeable, and not upset anyone. This isn’t all that different than what’s a common experience for many women. We’re trained from day one to put others’ needs first, tolerate discomfort for the benefit of others, and to people-please in general. In my opinion, OCD just adds another layer (or many layers) on top of that.
A few years ago, I was going through some of the hardest things in my life. Some acute abuse occurred after enduring many years of more covert abuse, I got divorced, I ended up in another abusive situation, and everything was messy. All of that mess all at once was terribly painful, and my OCD tendencies came on in full force making things even messier! None of these life events had simple fixes. I couldn’t simply do a compulsion and have the complete train wreck that felt like my life be cleaned up. I received a lot of uncomfortable and often unhelpful commentary about my choices. So I started to sit with discomfort more than I had in the past. Not because I wanted to, but because life thrust me into it. I couldn’t avoid it.
After several years of therapy, I’ve become better at sitting with discomfort, but it’s still uncomfortable every time. I want it to go away faster, to find a quick fix, for it to end. But unfortunately, life keeps happening. Every time I feel a little more comfortable in my life, a new situation pops up where I’m faced with more discomfort and have to decide how to handle it. I don’t anticipate that changing anytime soon, so I’m working really hard to both find peace and courage to continue to be uncomfortable. To learn that it’s OK to not please everyone, that I don’t need to behave a specific way for my life or experiences to be valid. That being messy doesn’t make me a bad person or a failure. That I can be messy and not need to fix that. That messiness can actually be a good thing sometimes.
I’m choosing to have courage and be uncomfortable. To continue to choose myself and know that discomfort is part of doing that.
If being uncomfortable means I’m living my best life, staying safe, taking care of my physical and mental wellbeing, but also disappointing some people along the way, I guess it’s what’s meant to be!
